Been dumped after 5 years. At the worst time possible.

SymphonyOfDreams


She is just trying to keep you not too close, but conviniently not too far away just "until she´s safe", something I hope you realize it´s a bad d*ckmove.

 
 
ONE MILLION PERCENT RIGHT.
 
Seriously, 5 years is a long period of time. Anything you've grown used to over 5 years will take some time to forget, or at least get over. But right now, don't reply to any of her texts. In fact, try to block her number completely.
 
What could she possibly have to gain by telling you: 'Oh I'm going to Italy with my girlfriends, cyaaaa'. It's exactly like SoD said.

You know... You should pay attention to Cruithne's post. Why?
Because I was dumped after my ex-girlfriend made a coming out and started dating other girls................ five times. No, I mean it. FIVE. TIMES. IN. A. ROW. Most of my ex-girlfriends secretly had girlfriends. I used to feel that I was the most miserable guy on Earth. 
 

Sorry to hear this dude. I'm going through a similar situation as my marriage of 4 and a half years is ending (plus one year of dating before hand). The worst thing you can do at this point is to let all the pot shots she took at you bring down your self esteem. Women can be fucking vindictive man... Try to not let things she's said destroy your self confidence as they tend to greatly exaggerate these things... I don't know why they like to try to drive the spikes in deeper (so to speak). If you feel like this is too much to bear please seek professional help and talk to someone... Do know that time heals all wounds and that your life will eventually go on. It hurts now, I know, but this too shall pass my friend.

 

br_wildead
 

You know... You should pay attention to Cruithne's post. Why?
Because I was dumped after my ex-girlfriend made a coming out and started dating other girls................ five times. No, I mean it. FIVE. TIMES. IN. A. ROW. Most of my ex-girlfriends secretly had girlfriends. I used to feel that I was the most miserable guy on Earth. 

Wow... that's close to unbelievable.. But it's certainly not the case here. She is not living with that girl anymore (that was just temporary, for a few months) and found a new apartment. I only now, that the girl she was living with for a while was freshly out of a very bad relationship where her partner has cost her a lot of money, was highly in debt, she had to sell her apartment with a big loss etc. I guess maybe that has influenced my girlfriend as well. I don't know.
 
Progmetalman - I feel your pain :( Thanks for the very kind words, I wish you strength as well. It is true, that her words were vicious beyond anything I would ever expect from someone who once (fairly recently) loved me:(

My only advise is this;
I was married for 6 years, things didn't work out for us.
Though it broke my heart to split, and it took me about 18 months to get over it, all, get my head and life straight, I even lost interest in women in general.
 
That was 2008-2009, I can now look back on it and I am glad for the split, the change in my life and now I also have a very wonderful girlfriend, who I love very much.
 
The mistakes I made when I was married, and there were plenty of them them, hopefully I have learned from and will not repeat.
 
As bad as you feel right now, it will get better and hopefully you will be a better person for it.

MMhardKy

 Wow... that's close to unbelievable.. But it's certainly not the case here. She is not living with that girl anymore (that was just temporary, for a few months) and found a new apartment. I only now, that the girl she was living with for a while was freshly out of a very bad relationship where her partner has cost her a lot of money, was highly in debt, she had to sell her apartment with a big loss etc. I guess maybe that has influenced my girlfriend as well. I don't know.

Well, that's more what I was driving at: a suspicion that a certain flatmate might have been a malignant influence on your ex's perception of you and your relationship (the rant you were subjected to is just not something people with a balanced, mature view on long term relationships do) and given that the flatmate was freshly out of a bad relationship strengthens that suspicion.
 
(Out of empathy NP: Ginger - Not Bitter, Just A Little Disappointed)

Do not start with the conspiracy theories about the roomie... seriously... let it go. Or you can count things will just get reeeeeally bad from here on.

SoD, you are totally right. It's hopeless to dwell deeper into stuff a cannot possibly know. The only thing I know is, that it was a d*ckomove by her to totally decimate my self esteem by the stuff she told me in those hour long conversations (and apologized for it in one single text message, even though my apologies for the stuff I have done were almost never accepted..) and that she left me in the absolutely WORST time possible. My brother told me he was in a similiar situation with his ex (of 7 years) and she waited over 4 months while he was finishing his PHD before telling him. I'm also 99% sure, I would do the same.
 
So now, I'm quite angry. I know, maybe it's not fair to be angry and I know it will pass, but I really feel I was objectively betrayed.
 
Still, memories hunt me almost every 10 minutes :( I tend to cry, but then I slap myself into my face. I'm still waiting if she texts me, but now it would be only bad for me if she did.
 
I have a gig tonite with my new band. First gig ever with that band, extremely complicated djent stuff, I practiced it for months, but I really do not know how I will be able to do it in this state of mind. Wish me luck.

Good luck

Sounds like you are going through the normal processing of your emotions that this type of situation requires. Allow yourself to go through this, THINK about things as well as allow yourself to deal with the emotional side.
 
And please do your best to ignore any communications from her. Block that number!
 
Good luck dude!

MMhardKy


It's hopeless to dwell deeper into stuff i cannot possibly know.

and this is the most important thing to realize when exiting a relationship. it took me a good month=2 months to get out of that mindset of needing closure. i now know i won't just suddenly get it. life doesn't work like that. we have to be men and move on, create our own sense of closure by showing how resilient we are. i really can't stress how important that line is... you'll just be much happier in the short & long run..

It´s awesome you had a gig man! those reeeeally help! plus there´s bunch of groupies :P
 
But live gigs with your band I found it to be probably the most helpfull stuff to deal with stuff like this. It´s so fun and envolving.

 
I had sort of the same experience heh won't tell here the whole story,its too complicated and quite unbelievable.i had a relationship for ten years of which the last two years i was married and we have a son.
Now i'm here facing bancrupcy in a house,that i have to sell.  I leave it at that,it's way to much to tell here what happened .
All i want to say is: there is probably a reason for her to call you names or downgrading you!
It could be she has a low selfesteem,problems with herself,or maybe even another boyfriend.
My guess it's not you but it has something to do with herself!!
Infact i'm sure it has,even if i don't know her.

The gig went well but still, I was lifeless.
 
Yesterday she called me again (as she returned from Italy I guess), but I couldn't pick up. I just texted her if it's something serious. She replied no, she just called like that. I didn't reply to that.
 
Today in the morning I texted her, that as she told me she doesn't love me anymore and cannot love me anymore, and when she texted me how I "will be glad I got rid of her", I took it as the end. I told her, that if nothing has changed in her, her messages only open my wounds even further.
 
She replied: "I got it, sorry, I won't bother you anymore".
 
Then, minutes later, I saw her new profile picture on my fucking FB profile page and I totally broke down. Totally. Of course I was looking at the most gorgeous thing in the whole universe, I guess similar to how a drug addict must feel when he sees a fresh shot of heroin.
 
There is still one thing that needs to be finished, one insurance paper that she as an insurance agent was preparing for my parents and now needs to be signed, so I texted her how and when it needs to be signed.
 
She called me minutes ago, telling me she will bring it over (in the most compassionate voice...) I told her I'm sorry, but I cannot see her and if she can mail it. She said she has to at least pick up the signed copy. I told her I will let her know later. (as I felt my heart is gonna burst and I needed to end that conversation immediately).
 
Thanks to anyone who is still reading this. The pressure inside my chest and brain is simply unbearable and I needed to write it down.
 
 

Take it like a man, bro. Move on. Every turning point in life is only the new beginning.
Everything will be alright.

Deepest sympathies dude. I know (to a fegree how you feel) Chin up and keep buggering on, if there is someone out for you it'll happen don't worry.

You are doing the right thing. Keep it up and focus on YOU for a while.

number 1. take her off facebook.
 
and that's it...
 
you're on the right path, keeping your level head and not playing into mindgames.. but SERIOUSLY. get her off of facebook. you'll feel so much better when her BS doesn't pop up, you don't see how she is looking, who she is talking to, blah blah blah. trust me bro.. going through the same thing right now, and without that temptation i have much more peace of mind.

You're doing good, dude. I know it hurts, but keep avoiding seeing her like you've been and soon everything is going to be alright.

Hate to bump this thread, but I need to vent. I had no contact with my ex (still cannot believe it..) for 3 weeks now, yet I totally feel like shit. I messed up one exam already and it's almost an inhumane effort for me to study. I'm thinking about seeking professional help. I know time would heal this but from what I have read on the net, after a 5 year relationship, if one gets dumped suddenly, it can easily last a year or longer to get back to normal. I don't have that much time. I don't have any time. I cannot even accept the thought that it's definitely all over and the love we had was nothing more than an extempore in my and her life. I was in the anger phase for a short time (and many friends tell me I have every right to be angry), I hoped I will slowly come to the acceptance phase but no. Instead I keep dreaming about her EVERY FUCKING NIGHT and wake up in tears. "Save Me" by Queen nicely sums up my state of mind right now. It's also so goddamn hard to avoid stuff seeing that reminds me of her, when it's almost everything.. Today I had to walk next to her apartment, as she lives right in the city center and I had to go to a store nearby. Just the sight of her balcony totally destroyed me. I can't believe how I was able not to make any contact with her, as I desperately want to. But I know I can't. I erased everything from my computer or phone which might remind me of her, the only thing I wasn't capable of was to unfriend her in Facebook. She almost never uses it, so I don't get any status updates (she doesn't have any) and we are still listed as "in relationship". We have many common friends and I know that if I remove her, everyone will know, people will start ask me questions and I don't want to, I don't feel like it yet. I only told my closest friends.

I'm sorry to hear about your exams...
You know that time and music are sometimes the best healers. Try to find some new interests... Take long walks in a forest or a park... Just try to immerse in something new... It won't take away the pain, but it can make you feel better.

Hmmmm... you wanna know something... fact is... you likely wont forget about her. So trying to set that goal for you as to what you feel might be the turning point of "getting over" is just not reasonable.
 
Not contacting her right now protects you from further exposure to getting hurt. And when you get hurt persistantly by a person for reasons you don´t find any sense to them, the more possible it is you start losing a grip of your ownself, and likely start getting into trouble.
 
The pain will diminish, that´s certain.... but not likely now nor soon. But if this girl is what you are making her out to be, then I doubt you´ll forget about her or stop hurting entirely (if you accomplish it, PM and tell me how you pulled it off, still trying to figure it out myself for almost 5 years now).
 
Things wont be as bad as they are right now, in regards to your feelings... that I can guarentee... and the best advice I can now give you is to really just focus on yourself. For me... thinking about starting a business helped a bit. Embark yourself on a new project and put your time into that.

After reading your paragraph I can say with confidence that you are too good for her and much better off without her. Focus on your studies and have faith that down the road you will find someone who truly does love you.

br_wildead


I'm sorry to hear about your exams...
You know that time and music are sometimes the best healers. Try to find some new interests... Take long walks in a forest or a park... Just try to immerse in something new... It won't take away the pain, but it can make you feel better.
[/quoth


This^

Now it's been 4 and a half weeks since the break-up and the last 3 nights, I was being totally destroyed by my dreams. It feels like a fresh wound, I'm worse than I was a week ago.
 
And today, she finally removed me from her relationship status... Yep, it hurts. It really hurts and I'm kinda angry on myself I didn't do it first. And not only that, but as I saw it, I felt so weak, that I broke the strict "no contact" rule for the first time... Even though I only sent her one word which in english translates to "that did hurt." Because it did...
 
I really try to take it as a man. The thing is I fail at that...

Dude, sorry if I sound harsh, but you've received some excellent advice on this thread and you haven't followed it, so it seems to me that some straight talking is what's needed: you really need to grow a pair. You appear to be older than a teenager, but you are behaving like one. It's just a girl, but you're seeing her as the entire reason for your existence. Sorry, but your words are pathetic. She changes her Facebook status and you collapse into a quivering wreck. If you are like this now, how will you be in the future when a genuine problem comes into your life (and believe me, it will, many times over)? 5 years from now, you will not remember the emotions you feel now. Trust me on that. What you're crying about tonight will be the things you are laughing about in the future, and vice versa. I'm not a macho person, I'm not gonna say "be a man". But I am gonna say: grow up and be an intelligent person. Have some perspective. You got dumped by a girl you love. It happens to every guy, you're not the first and you won't be the last. All the practical advice you need is written about, by countless posters. Go back and re-read it, if you are serious about wanting to get over this girl, and you're not just looking to naval-gaze in public. I'm not gonna add to it, except to say: look at yourself now, and look at what you've been reduced to by this girl. LOOK at yourself, and think about the crap you're writing now. What level of IQ do you need to have before you just tell this girl to fuck off? How pitiful do you have to become? 

I'm the type of guy that is just too proud and that is good and bad depending the situation. I went through a rough break up (though not as bad) during the summer and I just came to the conclusion: I can't be so down because I don't want to be with a woman that doesn't want to be with me. It still hurts, and there are days where I have to repeat that conclusion many times to make things better. I too have a no contact rule which I have followed strictly. That has helped me stay strong.
 
I think the whole status thing is childish. It's not about who does it first. Be an adult, that was supposed to happen anyways in fact it took too long. Sure, it be nice if she wanted to be with you but she doesn't. So, given reality, do you want to try being with a person like that? there's a girl that will want to be with you, that's the one you should be giving attention.
 
Take everything she ever give you and donate it or throw it away you can't move forward with thing from the past holding you back.
 
There's no magic formula to these situations so all this may not help you at all but I hope it does.
 
H

Thanks, I kinda needed that.
I hope I won't remember these emotions in 5 months, not 5 years;) I'm 28. All my friends are either married or soon going to be, I was ready to propose to my ex, everything looked fine and dandy, until it felt suddenly fell apart in a few weeks, which comes as a little surprise after 5 years... On one hand, it kinda derailed me from my whole planned out life path, on the other had, it's better that it happened now and not after we would get married.

Whats her name?

HFactor


Take everything she ever give you and donate it or throw it away you can't move forward with thing from the past holding you back.

 
   I did, right on day 1. Also erased all messages, phone number etc. apart from that fucking FB status. The only problem is my apartment we were renovating together from scratch, as virtually everything there has a strong memory attached to it and I just can't handle that shit right now. So the work is standing for several weeks already. At least I'm not in a situation where I would be forced to finish it and go there immediately. It's impossible to redesign it, since the material is already in my garage etc. Also the whole fucking layout of the apartment was customized for our daily schedules and hobbies, so many things there just scream "her". Obviously, I would have to donate 90% of my belongings now ;/

You just need to get another women Into that bachelor pad! Once you roll around the furniture naked with a new broad, you'll forget all about that old battle-ax. Now get out your local pub, put your beer goggles on and make us proud!

LOL, that's the best advice yet!

MMhardKy

HFactor


Take everything she ever give you and donate it or throw it away you can't move forward with thing from the past holding you back.

  I did, right on day 1. Also erased all messages, phone number etc. apart from that fucking FB status. The only problem is my apartment we were renovating together from scratch, as virtually everything there has a strong memory attached to it and I just can't handle that shit right now. So the work is standing for several weeks already. At least I'm not in a situation where I would be forced to finish it and go there immediately. It's impossible to redesign it, since the material is already in my garage etc. Also the whole fucking layout of the apartment was customized for our daily schedules and hobbies, so many things there just scream "her". Obviously, I would have to donate 90% of my belongings now ;/

It's okay to have things like that. You can look onto those things as fond memories. Did the way she break up with you totally suck? Yeah, but that doesn't mean you were unhappy the entire 5 years. 
 
You'll be fine man. It's always harder in practice. Because your chops have already been busted, I'll just lend a supporting hand. Just keep driving towards those exams and making your identity on your own.

Update? Hope things are well, or at least getting better...